Not Exactly Up to Scott's Standards

Anyone that has spent time with my husband knows what a perfectionist he is when it comes to building things. Everything from an old west bar for the family play to laying tile and building goat houses. Anything that Scott builds he spends a lot of time and effort into making it “just right”. That is why my decision this weekend is killing him.

Fall is getting away from me. I have so many projects that need to get done, right in the middle of the back into the school swing of things, Emily’s senior year, and having a German exchange student coming in 2 ½ weeks. One of the things that I have not dealt with all summer was a shelter for the pigs. See, I haven’t been all that clear on what the future holds for the pigs. Originally I figured we would have them for a few months, the novelty would wear off and then we would have some bacon and ham. But, then I found out how much fun their personalities were and I saw an add on Craig’s List for a guy that “pimps” out his boar. So this has led to many discussions with my sister Nancy about the future of our little piggy girls. Trying to decide has left us in limbo because the pig breeding business will require a significant facilities investment, and until I know for sure I’m not quite ready to invest all that much time and $$ to the project.

In the mean time, the fall is upon us, it is getting cooler, the rains have started and every time I go out to feed, the pigs look longingly over at the goat’s very nice shelter and then back at me with accusation in their eyes. So, knowing that my over the top husband would require several days of research and building for a shelter I have been searching for alternatives. My niece Allison, suggested a straw shelter, a type that she has used previously (sounds like it would be pretty tempting for a wolf with strong respiration skills). So I had just decided that would work, when I saw another add on Craig’s list and realized I had an old camper shell too…

The girls love it.

OK, they are pigs. I don’t think there is such a thing as a “nice” pig shelter…

It’s not like it is in the front yard…

I know, it is so redneck…

Oh Now I Get It

When I was a teenager there was another young woman in my ward, let’s call her Matilda. Matilda was pretty physically fit, I think she may have even been a cheerleader, but she wasn’t overly attractive. Well, Matilda was pretty popular, it seemed like she always had a lot of dates and a lot of attention from a lot of boys buzzing around her. I just didn’t get it. I remember sitting in the car with my Mom, watching Matilda cross the parking lot and saying, “I just don’t get it, Mom. Why is she so popular? She’s not even pretty.” Now, I know that is not very nice, but I was absolutely baffled about what was so wonderful about Matilda. My Mom, maybe because she was naïve too, or just didn’t want to admit what she suspected, told me, “You know Allison, maybe she has a great personality, and she is a lot of fun to be with.” Hhmmm,

I was pretty naïve back then, I don’t think I am now. I ran across a picture of Matilda the other day and I started thinking back…while I’m not 100% certain, (maybe she did have a great personality, but a great intellectual she was not) I do believe that she was doing a little something more to ensure her popularity. If my Mother suspected this I wish she would have just told me, it would have been so much easier instead of having me enviously watching and wondering.

As stated before on this blog, I am pretty blunt with my children. What goes around comes around and I have had almost the exact same comment from my daughter about certain girls in my ward. Unlike my Mother, I flat out say, “Emily, she’s probably putting out, do you really want to be that popular?” I mean I finally get it, teenage boys are hormonal creatures and the novelty of a girl like that is like the only bicycle on the block, everyone wants a turn.

I am sure there were girls like that in my Mother’s day and there will be girls like that in my granddaughter’s day. So let’s just do all our daughters a favor and call a spade a spade.

We Shouldn't Punish the Shoes

When I was growing up I learned to run in 4” heels. I didn’t wear them every day, so that was quite a feat. Usually I was wearing cowboy boots or high tops, but I loved my heels. Then I got married. My husband is 5’8” tall, and I am just a hair under 5’5”, I have always been conscious of women who were taller than their husbands, so I gave up my big heels for many years.

After all, it isn’t as if I can wear those shoes to my work, because pumps and pumps don’t exactly mix…get it? If I have to explain my jokes, they aren’t funny.

But, one day I was out shopping, looking at all those lovely heels, and realized that the shoes shouldn’t be punished just because the Lord decided to make my eternal companion only a few inches taller than me. So I have happily re-embraced my love of tall shoes, and that is why I now have all these beauties:

I Have Brown Eyes

You may not realize what color my eyes are, because if there is a picture of me, and I am smiling, you can’t see my eyes. I am the direct result of many generations of squinty eyed people marrying each other. That is just the way we are, if you can actually see the color of my eyes…I’m probably mad. Just so you know…

Act Like It

Colorado Summer was technically my sister Nancy’s, horse. However, I know I logged way more saddle hours on her than Nancy ever did (Nancy has me beat on the number of hours logged irrigating). Summer was exactly one year older than me, and our birthday was/is the first day of summer, hence her AQHA registered name. She was the quintessential quarter horse, a beautiful sorrel, about 16 hands and very well bred.

She was an all around great horse for riding and roping; she also used what is called a hackamore bridle. A hackamore bridle is the type of bridle that doesn’t use a bit through the mouth. It is just a has a nose piece and doesn’t provide quite the level of control a regular bridle does, but Summer didn’t need a bit because she neck reined so well there was no need.

When I was about 14 I was showing horses and since my horse, Rosetta, was still pretty green broke, I was using Summer. One of the club requirements was to ride in a couple of the downtown parades during the spring and summer. No big deal, except that either the parade or club required that all horses have a bit, no exceptions. So I started a couple weeks before our first parade, and that bit turned this a well-mannered, sweet tempered Summer into a nightmare. She threw her head and threw a fit, every time.

Frustrated and angry I went to talk to my Dad who was busy fixing his swather. I told him how Summer was acting and how mad I was…my Dad let me rant and rave then, never looking up said, “Who is smarter? You or that horse?”

Indignantly I said that I was smarter.

Then my Dad looked up at me and said, “Then act like it.”

Words I admit I haven’t always remembered in the heat of the moment, but that have served me very well for many years in many situations.

Phrases I Use to Set My Husband's Teeth on Edge

My husband and I are pretty compatible in most areas, unfortunately our sense of humor is not one of them. He doesn’t think I am very funny. I know…. In fact the only time he thinks I’m funny is when I tell a dirty joke. Sometimes when I ask him about it, he claims to be laughing on the inside. I think that is not true. Honestly, he takes my humor pretty good, usually with a sigh and a shake of his head. To top it off I think Emily has inherited her father’s sense of humor, yes it is a trial.

Anyway, over the years I have learned exactly what can make my husband extremely irritated, one of them is my belt loop trick...mwahahaha.. Another is when I use any of these phrases:

You know, you are my favorite husband

You are my handiest husband

Huh, that’s not what my other husband said

None of my other husbands can (fill in the blank) as well as you

For full disclosure, I married Scott when I was 22 and I have not ever previously nor since been married to anyone else.

Career Change??

I would make an excellent assassin. I think I missed my calling in life and I should have been recruited by the CIA or some other top secret government agency. After all, everyone knows I like guns, and a couple years ago I discovered I am really good at laser tag. So of course I would be an awesome operative.


I used to read romance novels, but now I read a lot of action/thriller/black ops type novels, so I think I am ready for the big time. Unfortunately I have shelved that dream because I’m a Mom, and a wife, and who would go to parent/teacher conferences and get the laundry done if I was out saving the world from jihadists.

The conscience part of it? No, I don’t think I would have any issues with it. A couple weeks ago I was sitting next to Nancy in Gospel Doctrine (we had a substitute) and they were discussing the wars in the Book of Mormon, and how the Nephites didn’t really want to kill the Lamanites, because who really wants to kill other people? Nancy leaned over and said, “I would want to kill people in that situation, does that make me bad?” I assured her I would to, I thought about it and told her, “No, we aren't bad, it just means we want to give those people an opportunity to meet the Lord sooner and start their explanations early”

Want to Try Something?

Don’t worry, this is G rated:


Last Sunday night, I came out my bathroom getting ready for bed and discovered my husband leaning against our bed when he said, “Hey, want to try something?” Hmmm…. we have been married for 21 years, and I don’t think I have ever heard those words. “Sure” I said, smiling.

“Cool, I need you to power up your laptop and see if you can get this video link through the church web server that I have to use if we need to broadcast from the stake center over to the E ½ Rd chapel.”

Great…that was just the picture I had in mind….

See we have an Apostle coming from Salt Lake this weekend. The details have been a bit fuzzy because our stake has either A) Never met a general authority before or B) Are naturally extremely poor communicators. Maybe it’s a little of both. Regardless of the reason that they are coming, it has certainly opened the door to WILD speculation from all kinds of people!

Anyway, because Scott is the stake IT specialist (as well as the stake finance clerk) all the AV stuff is up to him. So, for the past two weeks he has been testing and retesting the links and cables to make sure everything works. Now when I say he has been testing this stuff that means lots of after hours at the stake center trying to get a building that was built in the 1950’s up into the digital age. It is a good thing I’m not a paranoid wife when my husband comes home from church around 1:00 am.

I’ll be glad on Sunday at 12:30, partly because the wild speculation will be over with, and partly because if I hear my husband say, “hey, want to try something?” it might not involve my laptop.

If You See Me at the Liquor Store

OK, yes, I go to the liquor store. I try not to frequent the same one, no sense in giving all my business to the same guy. But, if you see me coming out of a liquor store...I hope you don't get the wrong impression. I know, it looks pretty condemning, I have a brown paper sack and in it you will find a bottle of Everclear.

Now for the explanation..I work in a laboratory. One of the most common methods in all water laboratories is a bacteriological test for coliforms. (The bad bacteria from poop, like E. coli) Anyway, the cheapest method for finding this bactera requires an agar called mEndo-LES. It is a great agar that has some dyes which make coliform group bacteria fluoresce under UV light. However, you can't autoclave this agar, so you have to put 2% by weight of 90% alcohol into the media while you are cooking it over a hot plate to sterilize it. We also use Everclear to flame sterilize forceps while we are working.

Well, technically I could simply order this from my scientific supplier, but I don't know anyone in the industry that actually does that.  Why would you? Everyone has a corner liquor store down the street that is selling that wonderful 180 Proof Everclear, which just happens to be 90% alcohol. Even when I worked in Utah, with their restrictive liquor laws it was easier to simply go down to the State Liquor Store and purchase 8-9 bottles of the stuff.  But now I work in Clifton, with more liquor stores in my respective boundaries that any other businesses, so buying Everclear is even easier.

I know, "the appearance of evil" and all that sort of stuff.  Let me assure you that barring that one incident in Iceland (the bakery was Icelandic, how was I to know that those lovely coconut covered chocolate balls were soaked in rum, until my husband, a former liquor connoisseur, tried one and told me) I have never  had or tried any liquor except what is in a bottle of Nyquil.

So if you see me in Clifton, heading out of a liquor store with a paper bag...judge away. I've got nothing to hide.

Ahh..Sweet Vindication

What do you call the cow that just had her calf?

De-Calf-inated!!!

Sorry..old joke

A few weeks ago I was literally sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office pouring a Crystal Light Energy into a bottle of water when my sister Nancy called me and asked me if I had heard the news. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints officially clarified that the Word of Wisdom, found in the 89th Section of the Doctrine and Covenants, did not include caffeinated soft drinks.

HA....

You see, I never believed that it did...

I come from a pretty serious caffeinated soft drink world.  My father, the late beloved patriarch and Bishop was a serious Diet Pepsi drinker. To this day, we find crumpled Diet Pepsi cans around the ranch stashed in tree trunks and other unique places, and they always make us pause, smile and even tear up a little.

Revisionist history members of my family will claim that this isn't true, but I know that it is, at one point or another in all of their lives everyone of my grandparents drank coffee, and one of my Uncle John's favorite stories about him and my father involved the "re-use" of coffee grounds on a camping trip. There was a time in the history of the church when drinking coffee wasn't nearly the taboo it is now.  Listen, I'm not saying they were right, but it shows that we really should put a few things into perspective.

I have an aunt that used to say, "I'll worry about drinking a Coke, when they stop serving chocolate cake in the temple". (For those of you who only frequent more modern temples, there are a few with very yummy cafeterias in their basements)  Well, that is true, while the levels vary and there is a similar additional compound in cocoa, all cocoa does include caffeine. I actually had a woman in the church try to argue this with me one time, and all I could do was laugh, and think..."Are you seriously that desperate?"

I have always tried to look at the Word of Wisdom as exactly what it says, I'm pretty sure the Lord knew in 1833 what caffeine was since He is a pretty good chemist, and He made it a natural ingredient in lot of foods. Furthermore if the Lord said, "Don't wear orange shirts" I wouldn't wear an orange shirt.  I would not argue over whether I could wear a pink-ish orange shirt, or if I could wear an orange sweater, or if I could wear orange for special occasions.  I just wouldn't wear orange, and I wouldn't wonder if it was because no one really looks good in orange or if it was because the Lord was afraid bees would come after you if you were wearing orange...I just wouldn't wear orange!

A couple months ago in Relief Society (I wasn't there) apparently there was a long discussion over herbal teas vs. black teas. Now, I will admit to seeing Celestial Seasonings herbal teas in the cafeteria in the Washington D.C. Temple many, many years ago. But to me that is a serious grey area, and since I already have enough grey areas in my life I am not going to purposely add one more.

Now, back to my original thought.....HA, I can to have a Coke..you know, if I still drank pop. So, there all you self righteous, I'll give you their real meaning that the Lord didn't give the Prophet while I eat my chocolate brownie hypocrites, I can feel just fine giving my children their morning jolt of Mountain Dew.



My Family Crest....