Phrases I Use to Set My Husband's Teeth on Edge

My husband and I are pretty compatible in most areas, unfortunately our sense of humor is not one of them. He doesn’t think I am very funny. I know…. In fact the only time he thinks I’m funny is when I tell a dirty joke. Sometimes when I ask him about it, he claims to be laughing on the inside. I think that is not true. Honestly, he takes my humor pretty good, usually with a sigh and a shake of his head. To top it off I think Emily has inherited her father’s sense of humor, yes it is a trial.

Anyway, over the years I have learned exactly what can make my husband extremely irritated, one of them is my belt loop trick...mwahahaha.. Another is when I use any of these phrases:

You know, you are my favorite husband

You are my handiest husband

Huh, that’s not what my other husband said

None of my other husbands can (fill in the blank) as well as you

For full disclosure, I married Scott when I was 22 and I have not ever previously nor since been married to anyone else.

Career Change??

I would make an excellent assassin. I think I missed my calling in life and I should have been recruited by the CIA or some other top secret government agency. After all, everyone knows I like guns, and a couple years ago I discovered I am really good at laser tag. So of course I would be an awesome operative.


I used to read romance novels, but now I read a lot of action/thriller/black ops type novels, so I think I am ready for the big time. Unfortunately I have shelved that dream because I’m a Mom, and a wife, and who would go to parent/teacher conferences and get the laundry done if I was out saving the world from jihadists.

The conscience part of it? No, I don’t think I would have any issues with it. A couple weeks ago I was sitting next to Nancy in Gospel Doctrine (we had a substitute) and they were discussing the wars in the Book of Mormon, and how the Nephites didn’t really want to kill the Lamanites, because who really wants to kill other people? Nancy leaned over and said, “I would want to kill people in that situation, does that make me bad?” I assured her I would to, I thought about it and told her, “No, we aren't bad, it just means we want to give those people an opportunity to meet the Lord sooner and start their explanations early”

Want to Try Something?

Don’t worry, this is G rated:


Last Sunday night, I came out my bathroom getting ready for bed and discovered my husband leaning against our bed when he said, “Hey, want to try something?” Hmmm…. we have been married for 21 years, and I don’t think I have ever heard those words. “Sure” I said, smiling.

“Cool, I need you to power up your laptop and see if you can get this video link through the church web server that I have to use if we need to broadcast from the stake center over to the E ½ Rd chapel.”

Great…that was just the picture I had in mind….

See we have an Apostle coming from Salt Lake this weekend. The details have been a bit fuzzy because our stake has either A) Never met a general authority before or B) Are naturally extremely poor communicators. Maybe it’s a little of both. Regardless of the reason that they are coming, it has certainly opened the door to WILD speculation from all kinds of people!

Anyway, because Scott is the stake IT specialist (as well as the stake finance clerk) all the AV stuff is up to him. So, for the past two weeks he has been testing and retesting the links and cables to make sure everything works. Now when I say he has been testing this stuff that means lots of after hours at the stake center trying to get a building that was built in the 1950’s up into the digital age. It is a good thing I’m not a paranoid wife when my husband comes home from church around 1:00 am.

I’ll be glad on Sunday at 12:30, partly because the wild speculation will be over with, and partly because if I hear my husband say, “hey, want to try something?” it might not involve my laptop.

If You See Me at the Liquor Store

OK, yes, I go to the liquor store. I try not to frequent the same one, no sense in giving all my business to the same guy. But, if you see me coming out of a liquor store...I hope you don't get the wrong impression. I know, it looks pretty condemning, I have a brown paper sack and in it you will find a bottle of Everclear.

Now for the explanation..I work in a laboratory. One of the most common methods in all water laboratories is a bacteriological test for coliforms. (The bad bacteria from poop, like E. coli) Anyway, the cheapest method for finding this bactera requires an agar called mEndo-LES. It is a great agar that has some dyes which make coliform group bacteria fluoresce under UV light. However, you can't autoclave this agar, so you have to put 2% by weight of 90% alcohol into the media while you are cooking it over a hot plate to sterilize it. We also use Everclear to flame sterilize forceps while we are working.

Well, technically I could simply order this from my scientific supplier, but I don't know anyone in the industry that actually does that.  Why would you? Everyone has a corner liquor store down the street that is selling that wonderful 180 Proof Everclear, which just happens to be 90% alcohol. Even when I worked in Utah, with their restrictive liquor laws it was easier to simply go down to the State Liquor Store and purchase 8-9 bottles of the stuff.  But now I work in Clifton, with more liquor stores in my respective boundaries that any other businesses, so buying Everclear is even easier.

I know, "the appearance of evil" and all that sort of stuff.  Let me assure you that barring that one incident in Iceland (the bakery was Icelandic, how was I to know that those lovely coconut covered chocolate balls were soaked in rum, until my husband, a former liquor connoisseur, tried one and told me) I have never  had or tried any liquor except what is in a bottle of Nyquil.

So if you see me in Clifton, heading out of a liquor store with a paper bag...judge away. I've got nothing to hide.

Ahh..Sweet Vindication

What do you call the cow that just had her calf?

De-Calf-inated!!!

Sorry..old joke

A few weeks ago I was literally sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office pouring a Crystal Light Energy into a bottle of water when my sister Nancy called me and asked me if I had heard the news. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints officially clarified that the Word of Wisdom, found in the 89th Section of the Doctrine and Covenants, did not include caffeinated soft drinks.

HA....

You see, I never believed that it did...

I come from a pretty serious caffeinated soft drink world.  My father, the late beloved patriarch and Bishop was a serious Diet Pepsi drinker. To this day, we find crumpled Diet Pepsi cans around the ranch stashed in tree trunks and other unique places, and they always make us pause, smile and even tear up a little.

Revisionist history members of my family will claim that this isn't true, but I know that it is, at one point or another in all of their lives everyone of my grandparents drank coffee, and one of my Uncle John's favorite stories about him and my father involved the "re-use" of coffee grounds on a camping trip. There was a time in the history of the church when drinking coffee wasn't nearly the taboo it is now.  Listen, I'm not saying they were right, but it shows that we really should put a few things into perspective.

I have an aunt that used to say, "I'll worry about drinking a Coke, when they stop serving chocolate cake in the temple". (For those of you who only frequent more modern temples, there are a few with very yummy cafeterias in their basements)  Well, that is true, while the levels vary and there is a similar additional compound in cocoa, all cocoa does include caffeine. I actually had a woman in the church try to argue this with me one time, and all I could do was laugh, and think..."Are you seriously that desperate?"

I have always tried to look at the Word of Wisdom as exactly what it says, I'm pretty sure the Lord knew in 1833 what caffeine was since He is a pretty good chemist, and He made it a natural ingredient in lot of foods. Furthermore if the Lord said, "Don't wear orange shirts" I wouldn't wear an orange shirt.  I would not argue over whether I could wear a pink-ish orange shirt, or if I could wear an orange sweater, or if I could wear orange for special occasions.  I just wouldn't wear orange, and I wouldn't wonder if it was because no one really looks good in orange or if it was because the Lord was afraid bees would come after you if you were wearing orange...I just wouldn't wear orange!

A couple months ago in Relief Society (I wasn't there) apparently there was a long discussion over herbal teas vs. black teas. Now, I will admit to seeing Celestial Seasonings herbal teas in the cafeteria in the Washington D.C. Temple many, many years ago. But to me that is a serious grey area, and since I already have enough grey areas in my life I am not going to purposely add one more.

Now, back to my original thought.....HA, I can to have a Coke..you know, if I still drank pop. So, there all you self righteous, I'll give you their real meaning that the Lord didn't give the Prophet while I eat my chocolate brownie hypocrites, I can feel just fine giving my children their morning jolt of Mountain Dew.



My Family Crest....

I'd Like to be Frank

No, I don't mean I want to be blunt.

I want to be Frank...

Everyone always talks about a dogs life, well, that's Frank's life.  I want to wander around, visiting people, mooching food, taking long naps, have everyone love me, and never worry about anything.

Frank technically belongs to my nephew Jason and his wife Allison.  But, a subdivision house and three kids do not a good place for a hound dog make, so Frank lives with his "grandparents". Now, I use the term lives with pretty loosely here, because Frank doesn't really know where he lives.  I am pretty sure Frank lives at my house, my mother swears he's always at hers, and Nancy claims he's always at hers. 

Everybody loves Frank, I could have given him a way a couple dozen times over the years.  And even though my family says his name with derision, I think we would all miss him if he wasn't around.

Sometimes Frank is a challenge, for instance when he wants my dogs to come out and play in the middle of the night he comes under my bedroom window and barks until I let Tina out to play.  The other night I had been out checking the animals, then went to bed.  Around 11:30 I woke up to Scott opening the bedroom window and yelling at Frank to shut up.  Around 3:30 Frank woke me up again, not with his send out my friends bark or even his "I think this tree in the backyard might be getting ready to attack you" bark.  No, he just was barking, so I sent Tina out, she stood on the back steps growled then ignored him.  Deciding that he wasn't going to shut up and that we have had a few bears in the area, I grabbed a mag lite and headed out (yes, in my undies, because at 3:30 in the morning if someone is looking for a show I'm going to give it to them) I had just started out in the back yard and put the light out to the goat pen, there was Frank.  He apparently had nosed his way into the pen while I was checking on everybody (something he does regularly) and got caught.

One thing is for sure, Frank gets around.  I don't think anyone ever gets out of their car without Frank there to greet them.  He wanders around all day, greeting everyone, checking out all the dog dishes, playing, and seeing what is going on.  In fact I think the only one Frank truly annoys is my dog Dudley, who is not amused with Franks hippie dippie attitude.  Although when my husband took on the bear at our garage, it was Frank who stood by his side.

So I want Frank's life, maybe for just a few days, but the biggest thought in his mind is where to ...SQUIRREL.  Oh, did I mention he gets a little distracted?  Sometimes when I get home with my groceries I have to hurry because Frank can somehow get those little knock kneed legs to get that incredibly long body clear up into the van or truck for his favorite groceries.  I have seen him reach hamburger buns in the middle of the ...SQUIRREL.  See what I mean, so for a dog's life, I'd like to be Frank.