Not Even a Blip on the Radar

Oh, church, I swear...if I went for the social aspect I would have stopped so long ago. Anyway, there was a "little confusion" today on the part of Erik and another deacon passing the sacrament. A frantic whispered conversation at the front corner of the pews and the sacrament was passed pretty normally. Erik and the other boy definitely like their "spots" and neither boy is terribly adept at changing on the fly. After sacrament meeting the Young Men's president wanted to have a chat with the other Mom and I, Okie dokie. Seriously? My suggestion, maybe a little less basketball and kickball on activity night, and a little more than a diagram for the deacons. A diagram??? Dude I can give a diagram to change a Ross valve, but until you actually do it? I can even download directions for building a car...that doesn't mean I'll be driving it next week.

I digress...

As far as major church faux pauxs went, this doesn't even begin to register.

For example, I remember in the old second ward, a lady that used to have "spells" and had to be led away from leading the music in front of the children.

I remember when old Louis Puckett got up to give a 45 minute testimony (no one but my brother in law Jay ever understood Louis when he talked) but he wasn't bothering anybody. After 45 minutes he started singing "I am a Child of God" and a do-good-er visiting high council man got up and told him to sit down. Seriously, I felt bad for Louis.

When I was about 10 I was seated in the upper level of the tabernacle in the first session of General Conference. When they went to sustain President Kimball, two sections over, a bunch of people jumped up with an ERA banner and started shouting. They were quickly escorted out by security.

I know a woman who went into labor during a temple session.

Just a couple years ago a woman in my ward had a panic attack during Sacrament meeting, threw open the doors and claimed she was on fire. OK, that was pretty weird, mostly because everyone just sat there.

Then there was the sacrament talk about how we would need to stockpile guns and ammunition to defend our food storage for the coming economic hard times (I was still in high school for that one). Yeah, later that guy was arrested for selling cocaine.

Or when I was little and a young woman in the ward got up every fast Sunday to talk about how wonderful seminary was, and it turned out that she was getting "a little more" out her seminary lessons than everyone else.

Or the couple that got up in church and their talks were about the "spiritual courtship" that they had had, except that I knew she was pregnant and they had to get married.

One time, a woman in our ward used an object lesson in her sacrament meeting talk... "a can of fish eyes and assholes" and that is a direct quote.

So lets keep things a little in perspective people, it isn't like these two little deacons threw the sacrament trays at each other and started taking swings...

My Deep Dark Pig Secret…

I was in 4H, ok, I wasn’t just in 4H, I served on county councils, the fair board, went on exchange trips…I was really in 4H. Anyway, when I was about 16 they started up a Veterinary Technician 4H class at the Mesa College Farm, yes; they used to have one of those down on D Rd. So, still thinking that was the line of work I wanted to go into, I immediately signed up. The first class (and the only one I ever went to) was held on a cold spring Saturday morning. When I got there they went over everything we would be doing, docking some sheep tails, trimming some hooves, castrating some piglets…cool!

My experience at that time didn’t include pigs, or mountain maggots (I mean sheep). So I watched the sheep get docked, then we stepped into the pig area. They grabbed the first little pig and flipped it over on its back. Then they showed how you make a little slit between the back legs, fish out the testes, snip them off and send the little guy on his way before he ever realizes he will never sing bass. It looked so easy… “Any volunteers?” So I stepped up. Someone else held the little guy while I took the scalpel and made my little incision.

The first testi came right out, no problem. Then I tried to find the other one…and looked, and looked and looked. Everyone had helpful advice as I fished around inside that poor little piglet. No go, “keep looking” they said, so I did. Now remember this was supposed to be a quick little deal, but as I kept looking for that elusive testicle, the incision started to grow, and other things began to fall out. I was poking and prodding… there was no testicle to be found. Finally, the instructor came over and really started looking, he finally found it, up next to a kidney!! By that time there was no way that little piglet could be turned loose, so someone was dispatched to Western Implement to pick up some sutures and a needle. They stitched up that poor little guy, we called it a day, and I never went back. I have no idea if that piggy ever made it to market.

So now the world knows my secret

INTERNET!!!

Oh Yeah!!

It's January, and cold..that means the little mouse that powers my internet out here in the wilderness goes to bed usually around 5:30, and I never get home in time to post stuff.

But tonight he stayed up late!! So here are some old posts I have been waiting to get out

What to do...what to do...

What a nasty January, record temps, frozen water lines as far as the eye can see, and not my candidate being sworn in for another term. My favorite radio show host, Neil Boortz, retired last Friday. It is so incredibly depressing. So now I am faced with a critical decision in my life. I used to say that politics was my sport. I have followed national and state politics like a true blue sports fan. I’m so extremely conservative in my politics it frightens members of my family.

But now…with recent events I wonder if I should continue the fight or just give up. I have watched a bunch of idiots scream about gun violence and are more than willing to have me “give up” my rights, I have heard how we need to pay more taxes so there can be more money for the almighty encompassing government to provide for the “less fortunate”. I have learned that I am only a “folk” who needs to be more willing to turn more and more of my decisions from land use to 20 ounce drinks over to big brother.

So I am now considering if I should just can it all and start doing what apparently 90% of the rest of America does and not give a damn? I could learn who the Kardashians are, figure out if Sister Wives really is fascinating. I could learn to live vicariously through all the reality shows and worry about the Real Housewives drama instead of where I can find 223 ammo. Maybe I can watch some more food porn? I used to do that. I will dissolve my concern for the future of this country by simply immersing myself in Entertainment Tonight, so that when my Mom asks me if I have seen the latest reality show I can finally say yes. I could forget who is on the Senate Armed Services committee and worry about important things like who is going to win the Academy Award.

Sadly, the truth is that I know I am simply not wired for that. Never have been - never will be. So although I am currently in my slump I am sure I will come out of it, I will continue my corner of the struggle for conservatism through the people that I am around. Maybe a target shooting round will bring me out of my doldrums…January can’t last forever.

Wraptastics

 A couple months ago Nancy and I started talking about a commercial we saw advertising a product to help us with cling wrap issues we both have. Inevitably we talked about how nice it would be to have, not just one, but four of these lovely things to help us cut aluminum foil, cling wrap, saran wrap, and parchment paper. So we kept an eye out at every store we went to in the “as seen on tv” sections…but no dice.


So one morning, around 4am I decided to just go on line and order some wraptastics!! Well, they had a buy one get one, if you paid separate shipping and handling. You could get up to 5 wraptastics with this offer!! SCORE!!! I needed four, Nancy needed four, and an extra couple for Harriet, so I ordered. But I didn’t pay for expedited shipping, and three days before Christmas I knew they weren’t going to make it. I was on the phone to Nancy and had the following conversation:

Nancy: So did you get Jay and I separate gifts or together?

Me: Well, I did kind of got you both a present, but I did order something for you. I don’t think it will be here before Christmas.

Nancy: I ordered you something too, but it hasn’t come in.

Me: OK…I ordered you a wraptastic

Nancy: NO…I ordered you a wraptastic…how many did you order? I ordered 8

Me: I ordered 10

So we waited…finally Nancy got a package, but mine had to be picked up at the post office.

Then we opened them together…18!!! And we were finally able to give them to each other.

Seriously!!! Great Minds!!!  And Bubble Wrap

Grandchild...

Emily has a baby. Now don’t get the look that Scott gave me when Erik told him, Scott had been down in St. George for a week, and when Erik said, “..and Emily’s gonna have a baby”, that look was pretty priceless. She wanted the class, she can deal with the baby. The first night she had it, we were still in Provo, Saturday night it cried all night. I didn’t offer to get up with it, been there did that…  Sunday morning I did watch it while she got a shower.  It cried, I fed it and changed the diaper, when she got out and I told her what I did, she asked, “You didn’t like…flip it over on its stomach while you were changing the diaper did you? You were careful right?” Seriously??? OK, I didn’t play with dolls, but I did have a couple babies.  By the way, I asked if it had a name…she said, “Hispanic male”  OK…

She got a 97% on the baby test, then she dropped the class.  She admitted later that was the only reason she had taken the class in the first place.  I don't know...

Bad Parenting #356

Emily is such a good girl. Sometimes, though, she is so stinking pure it drives me crazy!!!

The other day we were on our way home from Emily doing some service learning hours for National Honors Society and we had this conversation:

Me: So does "Mike" still give you a ride back to the school from WCCC?
Emily: Usually, sometimes he forgets and I ride the bus.
Me: He's pretty cute, why don't you go out with him?
Emily: ..(heavy sigh)..ugh...
Me: What? Don't you want to go out with Mike?
Emily: It's just that...(heavy sighing again)...well, you know...
Me: WHAT??
Emily: Well...for one thing, he drinks...
Me: So...will he drink while you are on a date? I've got a news flash for you Emily, pretty much 80% of 18 year old boys drink...in or out of the church.
Emily: ..UGHHH... well, I don't think I could ever get him interested in the church.
Me: So...
Emily: ....chugh...phfft...What are you saying???  You would want me to date..just to date?? for fun???
Me: (trying to think of how this could somehow come back and bite me in the butt)...uhhmmm, yeah! If you have difficulty with that concept I can send you over to talk to Aunt Nancy. She dated so many people can't even remember them all.
Emily:  ugh,  (heavy sigh), so are you saying that I can ask a boy on a date?
Me: uhm...no. (That is completely different).
Emily:Ugh...whatever...how is that different?
Me: It just is
Emily: Whatever

Oh how quickly we weak humans can be trained...

My Dad moved to Kanab when he was 14 and Grandpa Whiting was starting up Kiabab Lumber. Kiabab mill was located just outside of Fredonia, and permits to log on the Kiabab (or north side of the Grand Canyon) were purchased from the US Forest Service. As part of the permit process a US Forest Service agent was assigned to select trees for harvesting. Being pretty new to the logging industry and having Kiabab as his main permit holder, Grandpa Whiting ended up showing him (the agent) how to select the trees for harvesting. Now I’m sure Grandpa was completely altruistic in showing this young agent which trees Kiabab preferred to have marked for harvesting.

Anyway, the first Christmas came around and as a show of kindness, Grandpa Whiting gave the agent a little Christmas bonus. I know, these days that would be severely frowned upon. Well, the first year Grandpa offered the gratuity, the agent was a little reluctant to take it. The next year, he took it a little easier, and the third year…he came looking for it.

We laugh at that story, but this morning I was listening to the numbers for the increase in social and welfare programs by the US government. It used to be a stigma when you had to receive food stamps or government assistance, now people demand it. It used to be embarrassing to have to rip coupons for food stamps out of a little book, but because that was to obvious now we have EBT cards that look just like a credit card, so the “unfortunate” don’t feel self conscious about using the people behind them in the grocery lines money. Government programs now exist to help anyone and everyone.

Navigating these programs is truly an art, as my brother in law Jay said the other day, someone we knew had her “doctorate in welfare”. It is estimated that a person that qualifies for all the government programs from food stamps to section 8 will receive the equivalent of 34k a year. For staying home and filling out forms! How many able bodied people do you and I know that are in their situation, not from some horrible streak of bad luck, but in reality a sequential series of stupid choices? Back in the day, stupid choices from unprotected sex to financial ambivalence had consequences. Not now… “Don’t worry, Uncle Sam is here to help you with your incredibly stupid decisions, and we’ll make you neighbors pay for it”

Yeah…the US Forest Service Agent may of have come looking for his Christmas bonus, but now millions of Americans are looking at my checkbook.

Gender Differences, more observations..

Why when a woman loses consciousness is it called fainting, but when a male does it’s called passing out?

Man Candles

If you want to steal this idea, you can, I just want 10%.  I work with a lot of men, one of the many observations that I have made over the last 20+  years is that women and men appreciate the smell of things very differently. Women spend millions of dollars every year on fancy flowery scented candles. Men on the other hand patiently smile and don't get it. But I know what will send men straight to the candle section:

Man Scents!!!

Some possible fragrance favorites:

Gun Powder

Wet Dog

Gut Pile

Freshly Turned Dirt

Oil Can

Washed Concrete

Dusty Barn

Fresh Exhaust

Sawdust

Chromosome Assumptions

While I was growing up I made the assumption that a Y chromosome automatically made males capable of fixing plumbing, riding horses, hammering things, combustible engine experts, and sports nuts. I have since discovered that the Y chromosome apparently does not create these attributes!!!  I was shocked, on the other hand, my husband probably assumed that two X chromosomes would assure him of someone who could cook, keep house, and sew a button. We were both wrong...

Oh the Follies of My Youth

Bless his heart, my Dad was forever planting fruit trees. But is seems that he rarely got to enjoy the "fruits" of his labor. The last orchard that he planted was up near the end of our street and it was his "fruit cocktail" orchard. It was a mix of cherry, peach, apple, and plum trees. He planted several varieties of each so it truly was a fruit cocktail.

A few years after he planted it,I think I was in my mid to late teens, on a lovely spring day my Mother and I were up there walking through the orchard. I don't remember why we were up there, but it was the first year the trees were big enough that they were finally looking promising. There were blossoms every where, and oddly enough a huge paper wasp nest on one of the branches that was easily knocked down. I remember my Mom and I looking at that wasp nest and then my Mom, who was wearing my Dad's jacket said, "we could burn it, your Dad has some matches in his pocket right here". Realizing that pyromania apparently came from both sides of my family, I happily agreed. Now I don't exactly remember which of us lit that nest, but I do remember the soft little breeze that came up and spread all the flaming pieces over the very dry spring grass.....

This was followed by a lot of yelling and stringing of hoses.... what was really awful was the look of absolute disbelief and disgust by my Dad as he asked us "what were you thinking". Yeah, he didn't get any fruit that year either...

Now you may be wondering why I decided to share this random memory with you...you know if you don't normally read this blog and realize how random my brain is...

Well, today, out in the frozen 20 degree, snow covered tundra, as I was sampling I saw a huge paper wasp nest next to one of my sample stations...and I had a  propane torch in my hand.  I had to tell myself "think Allison, think...is this a good idea?"

"I haven't called anyone that in 50 years!"

On Friday night I decided it was time for my mom to go in for one of our regular trips to the ER. I hadn't seen Dr. Ferga-handsome for awhile. Anyway, we had a big yelling argument before we went in, because she was bound and determined no to go. She got loud, I of course, was louder...  So we were heading in to town, finally, when she said, "Why am I in this car? I told you I wasn't going in there! How did you get me to go? You're a determined little snot!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

She was immediately sorry, "Oh..I shouldn't have said that, I haven't called anyone that in 50 years. That's what JoAnn says I used to call her."

Again:

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Gun Control

Events of the last few weeks have both angered and saddened me. I actually started thinking about this particular post earlier in December when Emily called and informed me that she had a lock down at GJHS for the third time this year. When I asked her why the most recent lock down, she said staff had informed them that "someone was seen in the area with a weapon". I thought that was about the dumbest thing I had heard from government schools in quite sometime. I told Emily "that's interesting I drive a weapon by that school all the time".

Properly trained people can make "weapons" out of just about anything, and people are killed every day from all kinds of things that don't require a trigger. Outlawing things have worked so well in this country...alcohol, speeding, meth, polygamy...  So I'm sure more regulatory paperwork will make all of America a safer place.

Interestingly enough, I don't think I'm alone in this opinion, since gun sales have absolutely soared since this particular slaughter of innocents. Currently the wait time in Colorado is 10 days because of the huge back log of  background checks, and good luck in finding any .223's or decent ammo in this town. One of the things that makes me the maddest is the assumption that all gun owners are guilty simply by owning a firearm. The presumption that all gun owners are suspect and would do something like Newtown is as insulting as it is misinformed. I will admit that there are people who own guns that make me nervous, but there are people that drive cars that make me nervous as well.

Now we have legislators arguing over banning "assault rifles" which I would like to know what is an "assault rifle" exactly. Does that mean any semi automatic? Because, my son's 22 is a semi automatic. Does that mean anything that you wouldn't use for hunting?  I know a lot of people that own 50 cals, and I can assure you they aren't packing them out on an elk hunt. How about gun owners that don't hunt, would that make them automatically ineligible to own a firearm?

Remember the idiot teenagers in the mid-West that poisoned people with the drinks at a church social? Remember the Tylenol crazy who killed a couple people? Or the idiot back in the 30's who blew up a school with dynamite because he hadn't been elected? Or maybe you can recall the "radicals" of the Muslim faith who flew airplanes into buildings? No guns involved there.

You can't legislate evil out of this world. (I think I know who's plan that was)What we can do is allow people the freedom to defend themselves. I posted along time ago, right after the Fort Hood attack, about my conversation with my husband and my decision on owning and/or carrying a handgun. I standby my opinions formed then, if you own a gun, you have to make the decision in advance that you can defend yourself with it, or you have no reason to be using it in that capacity.

I weep for the families of Newtown, but I also weep for all the other victims of senseless violence, or the innocents in far away lands where violence is a way of life. After 9/11, we were repeatedly told to not blame the Mulsim faith., it was just a few radicals, and now all gun owners are suspect for malevolent purposes. I live in my little circle of this world, it is the part that I can influence. I will stand against evil, I will stand against people who will attempt to take that ability from me, and I will fight for my children, my family, my neighbors, and the gospel of Christ.

Alrighty then...back to my normal self

I love Christmas, I literally listen to Christmas music all year long. One of my favorites is called "The Secret of Christmas". The best line from this song is "It's not the things you do at Christmas time, it's the Christmas things you do all year through". So, I try to remember that.

This December I attempted to contain my normal super sarcastic self and try to focus on the spirit of the season. However, I discovered that trying to have a "super sparkly" attitude just about made me explode.I am just not wired that way, and I have sooooo many opinions to give....

So this is just a short little notice, I hope readers enjoyed the little Christmas break, but I'm back to my normal self now.