Not Even a Blip on the Radar

Oh, church, I swear...if I went for the social aspect I would have stopped so long ago. Anyway, there was a "little confusion" today on the part of Erik and another deacon passing the sacrament. A frantic whispered conversation at the front corner of the pews and the sacrament was passed pretty normally. Erik and the other boy definitely like their "spots" and neither boy is terribly adept at changing on the fly. After sacrament meeting the Young Men's president wanted to have a chat with the other Mom and I, Okie dokie. Seriously? My suggestion, maybe a little less basketball and kickball on activity night, and a little more than a diagram for the deacons. A diagram??? Dude I can give a diagram to change a Ross valve, but until you actually do it? I can even download directions for building a car...that doesn't mean I'll be driving it next week.

I digress...

As far as major church faux pauxs went, this doesn't even begin to register.

For example, I remember in the old second ward, a lady that used to have "spells" and had to be led away from leading the music in front of the children.

I remember when old Louis Puckett got up to give a 45 minute testimony (no one but my brother in law Jay ever understood Louis when he talked) but he wasn't bothering anybody. After 45 minutes he started singing "I am a Child of God" and a do-good-er visiting high council man got up and told him to sit down. Seriously, I felt bad for Louis.

When I was about 10 I was seated in the upper level of the tabernacle in the first session of General Conference. When they went to sustain President Kimball, two sections over, a bunch of people jumped up with an ERA banner and started shouting. They were quickly escorted out by security.

I know a woman who went into labor during a temple session.

Just a couple years ago a woman in my ward had a panic attack during Sacrament meeting, threw open the doors and claimed she was on fire. OK, that was pretty weird, mostly because everyone just sat there.

Then there was the sacrament talk about how we would need to stockpile guns and ammunition to defend our food storage for the coming economic hard times (I was still in high school for that one). Yeah, later that guy was arrested for selling cocaine.

Or when I was little and a young woman in the ward got up every fast Sunday to talk about how wonderful seminary was, and it turned out that she was getting "a little more" out her seminary lessons than everyone else.

Or the couple that got up in church and their talks were about the "spiritual courtship" that they had had, except that I knew she was pregnant and they had to get married.

One time, a woman in our ward used an object lesson in her sacrament meeting talk... "a can of fish eyes and assholes" and that is a direct quote.

So lets keep things a little in perspective people, it isn't like these two little deacons threw the sacrament trays at each other and started taking swings...

My Deep Dark Pig Secret…

I was in 4H, ok, I wasn’t just in 4H, I served on county councils, the fair board, went on exchange trips…I was really in 4H. Anyway, when I was about 16 they started up a Veterinary Technician 4H class at the Mesa College Farm, yes; they used to have one of those down on D Rd. So, still thinking that was the line of work I wanted to go into, I immediately signed up. The first class (and the only one I ever went to) was held on a cold spring Saturday morning. When I got there they went over everything we would be doing, docking some sheep tails, trimming some hooves, castrating some piglets…cool!

My experience at that time didn’t include pigs, or mountain maggots (I mean sheep). So I watched the sheep get docked, then we stepped into the pig area. They grabbed the first little pig and flipped it over on its back. Then they showed how you make a little slit between the back legs, fish out the testes, snip them off and send the little guy on his way before he ever realizes he will never sing bass. It looked so easy… “Any volunteers?” So I stepped up. Someone else held the little guy while I took the scalpel and made my little incision.

The first testi came right out, no problem. Then I tried to find the other one…and looked, and looked and looked. Everyone had helpful advice as I fished around inside that poor little piglet. No go, “keep looking” they said, so I did. Now remember this was supposed to be a quick little deal, but as I kept looking for that elusive testicle, the incision started to grow, and other things began to fall out. I was poking and prodding… there was no testicle to be found. Finally, the instructor came over and really started looking, he finally found it, up next to a kidney!! By that time there was no way that little piglet could be turned loose, so someone was dispatched to Western Implement to pick up some sutures and a needle. They stitched up that poor little guy, we called it a day, and I never went back. I have no idea if that piggy ever made it to market.

So now the world knows my secret

INTERNET!!!

Oh Yeah!!

It's January, and cold..that means the little mouse that powers my internet out here in the wilderness goes to bed usually around 5:30, and I never get home in time to post stuff.

But tonight he stayed up late!! So here are some old posts I have been waiting to get out

What to do...what to do...

What a nasty January, record temps, frozen water lines as far as the eye can see, and not my candidate being sworn in for another term. My favorite radio show host, Neil Boortz, retired last Friday. It is so incredibly depressing. So now I am faced with a critical decision in my life. I used to say that politics was my sport. I have followed national and state politics like a true blue sports fan. I’m so extremely conservative in my politics it frightens members of my family.

But now…with recent events I wonder if I should continue the fight or just give up. I have watched a bunch of idiots scream about gun violence and are more than willing to have me “give up” my rights, I have heard how we need to pay more taxes so there can be more money for the almighty encompassing government to provide for the “less fortunate”. I have learned that I am only a “folk” who needs to be more willing to turn more and more of my decisions from land use to 20 ounce drinks over to big brother.

So I am now considering if I should just can it all and start doing what apparently 90% of the rest of America does and not give a damn? I could learn who the Kardashians are, figure out if Sister Wives really is fascinating. I could learn to live vicariously through all the reality shows and worry about the Real Housewives drama instead of where I can find 223 ammo. Maybe I can watch some more food porn? I used to do that. I will dissolve my concern for the future of this country by simply immersing myself in Entertainment Tonight, so that when my Mom asks me if I have seen the latest reality show I can finally say yes. I could forget who is on the Senate Armed Services committee and worry about important things like who is going to win the Academy Award.

Sadly, the truth is that I know I am simply not wired for that. Never have been - never will be. So although I am currently in my slump I am sure I will come out of it, I will continue my corner of the struggle for conservatism through the people that I am around. Maybe a target shooting round will bring me out of my doldrums…January can’t last forever.

Wraptastics

 A couple months ago Nancy and I started talking about a commercial we saw advertising a product to help us with cling wrap issues we both have. Inevitably we talked about how nice it would be to have, not just one, but four of these lovely things to help us cut aluminum foil, cling wrap, saran wrap, and parchment paper. So we kept an eye out at every store we went to in the “as seen on tv” sections…but no dice.


So one morning, around 4am I decided to just go on line and order some wraptastics!! Well, they had a buy one get one, if you paid separate shipping and handling. You could get up to 5 wraptastics with this offer!! SCORE!!! I needed four, Nancy needed four, and an extra couple for Harriet, so I ordered. But I didn’t pay for expedited shipping, and three days before Christmas I knew they weren’t going to make it. I was on the phone to Nancy and had the following conversation:

Nancy: So did you get Jay and I separate gifts or together?

Me: Well, I did kind of got you both a present, but I did order something for you. I don’t think it will be here before Christmas.

Nancy: I ordered you something too, but it hasn’t come in.

Me: OK…I ordered you a wraptastic

Nancy: NO…I ordered you a wraptastic…how many did you order? I ordered 8

Me: I ordered 10

So we waited…finally Nancy got a package, but mine had to be picked up at the post office.

Then we opened them together…18!!! And we were finally able to give them to each other.

Seriously!!! Great Minds!!!  And Bubble Wrap

Grandchild...

Emily has a baby. Now don’t get the look that Scott gave me when Erik told him, Scott had been down in St. George for a week, and when Erik said, “..and Emily’s gonna have a baby”, that look was pretty priceless. She wanted the class, she can deal with the baby. The first night she had it, we were still in Provo, Saturday night it cried all night. I didn’t offer to get up with it, been there did that…  Sunday morning I did watch it while she got a shower.  It cried, I fed it and changed the diaper, when she got out and I told her what I did, she asked, “You didn’t like…flip it over on its stomach while you were changing the diaper did you? You were careful right?” Seriously??? OK, I didn’t play with dolls, but I did have a couple babies.  By the way, I asked if it had a name…she said, “Hispanic male”  OK…

She got a 97% on the baby test, then she dropped the class.  She admitted later that was the only reason she had taken the class in the first place.  I don't know...

Bad Parenting #356

Emily is such a good girl. Sometimes, though, she is so stinking pure it drives me crazy!!!

The other day we were on our way home from Emily doing some service learning hours for National Honors Society and we had this conversation:

Me: So does "Mike" still give you a ride back to the school from WCCC?
Emily: Usually, sometimes he forgets and I ride the bus.
Me: He's pretty cute, why don't you go out with him?
Emily: ..(heavy sigh)..ugh...
Me: What? Don't you want to go out with Mike?
Emily: It's just that...(heavy sighing again)...well, you know...
Me: WHAT??
Emily: Well...for one thing, he drinks...
Me: So...will he drink while you are on a date? I've got a news flash for you Emily, pretty much 80% of 18 year old boys drink...in or out of the church.
Emily: ..UGHHH... well, I don't think I could ever get him interested in the church.
Me: So...
Emily: ....chugh...phfft...What are you saying???  You would want me to date..just to date?? for fun???
Me: (trying to think of how this could somehow come back and bite me in the butt)...uhhmmm, yeah! If you have difficulty with that concept I can send you over to talk to Aunt Nancy. She dated so many people can't even remember them all.
Emily:  ugh,  (heavy sigh), so are you saying that I can ask a boy on a date?
Me: uhm...no. (That is completely different).
Emily:Ugh...whatever...how is that different?
Me: It just is
Emily: Whatever