Witch Doctor

Last Friday Scott and I took our children to a Witch Doctor in Salt Lake. OK, she wasn’t a doctor. Anyway, I don’t believe that traditional medicine has all the answers, so I was willing to give this a try. Heaven knows I’ll take anything that will actually help with my children. Emily with her sore joints and Erik with his issues. So a guy at work recommended this place that uses Biomeridian currents at various acupuncture locations to determine nutrient issues that might be helped with supplements. That lovely HRA at work will pay, so we headed out.

The testing is done while the patient holds a brass cylinder hooked to a computer and the tech places, what looks like an ohm meter at various acupressure points on the feet and hands. The little computer throws up a graph and the technician says things like, “That’s the renal system. That’s the respiratory. That’s digestive, oh it looks really bad.” After checking both of my children, they gave us the results.

The fact that my children are not currently in ICU is amazing considering how absolutely awful their results were. Plus, the idea that social services hasn’t come and removed them from my care is another miracle. Apparently, not making my son choke down vegetables, allowing him to eat Tostino’s Pizza, and white bread has lead to severe problems. My daughter will be lucky to ever bear children, and my dog hates me. (Alright, I made the last one up)

For Erik the recommendations /demands were that we immediately cease and desist any and all processed foods, begin eating only vegetables and beans, consume no dairy and take approximately 30 supplemental pills a day. That went over very well.

For Emily, room darkening shades and googling PCOS for all the symptoms associated with it. Not to mention never consuming birth control pills (honestly the nurse practitioner said, “Well, you don’t need birth control since you don’t have a husband”…uhmm…I’m not sure where she thinks babies come from, but if she thinks it requires a marriage certificate she might want to re-educate herself). Don’t worry; Emily has no plans for oral contraception so I have no idea why that even came up.

Later, the same nurse practitioner informed me that soda was from the devil and got mad at Erik because he didn’t know who Paul Revere was…I can’t make this up. Meanwhile the acupressure tech was busy giggling at Scott and touching his knee repeatedly. It has taken me several days to deal with the condescension and guilt they heaped on me and the absolutely bizarre experience in general. It seemed like such a normal place to go.

Alrighty then, it wasn’t a complete waste of time, I did buy a bunch of supplements. But honestly, witch doctor, you lose a lot of credibility when you start talking about things you don’t really know about. For example if you don’t know how dark Emily’s room is, don’t assume that ambient light is responsible for her not sleeping. Also, since you don’t have any clue what I do for a living, don’t proceed to lecture me about water quality…huge mistake. Probably the biggest mistake they made that will keep me from returning is assuming that I was LDS (I gave no indication if I was or was not) and proceed to lecture me about Heavenly Father’s creation and plans for my family. Truthfully, I do judge a lot of books by their covers, before people begin to tell me how to eat and what to do, I take a good hard look at them and the other people that appear to be regular clientele in their office. Being overweight, pasty white and wearing styles from 1980’s doesn’t bode well for them.

Overall, we will try the supplements…I already bought them. We will attempt to eat better and cut back sugar from our diet, but don’t expect me to return there. I am going to try to not confuse the message with the messenger. I can manage mother guilt all by myself; I don’t have to drop a grand to have them give it to me. But what do I know...I didn't realize Satan was responsible for Mountain Dew...